Random Thoughts: Dating versus Hanging Out by Dallin H. Oaks

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Dating versus Hanging Out by Dallin H. Oaks

Knowledgeable observers report that dating has nearly disappeared from college campuses and among young adults generally. It has been replaced by something called “hanging out.” You young people apparently know what this is, but I will describe it for the benefit of those of us who are middle-aged or older and otherwise uninformed. Hanging out consists of numbers of young men and young women joining together in some group activity. It is very different from dating.

Unlike hanging out, dating is not a team sport. Dating is pairing off to experience the kind of one-on-one association and temporary commitment that can lead to marriage in some rare and treasured cases.

Simple and more frequent dates allow both men and women to “shop around” in a way that allows extensive evaluation of the prospects. The old-fashioned date was a wonderful way to get acquainted with a member of the opposite sex. It encouraged conversation. It allowed you to see how you treat others and how you are treated in a one-on-one situation. It gave opportunities to learn how to initiate and sustain a mature relationship. None of that happens in hanging out.

Men, if you have returned from your mission and you are still following the boy-girl patterns you were counseled to follow when you were 15, it is time for you to grow up. Gather your courage and look for someone to pair off with. Start with a variety of dates with a variety of young women, and when that phase yields a good prospect, proceed to courtship. It’s marriage time. That is what the Lord intends for His young adult sons and daughters. Men have the initiative, and you men should get on with it. If you don’t know what a date is, perhaps this definition will help. I heard it from my 18-year-old granddaughter. A “date” must pass the test of three p’s: (1) planned ahead, (2) paid for, and (3) paired off.
Young women, resist too much hanging out, and encourage dates that are simple, inexpensive, and frequent. Don’t make it easy for young men to hang out in a setting where you women provide the food. Don’t subsidize freeloaders. An occasional group activity is OK, but when you see men who make hanging out their primary interaction with the opposite sex, I think you should lock the pantry and bolt the front door.

If you are just marking time waiting for a marriage prospect, stop waiting. You may never have the opportunity for a suitable marriage in this life, so stop waiting and start moving. Prepare yourself for life—even a single life—by education, experience, and planning. Don’t wait for happiness to be thrust upon you. Seek it out in service and learning. Make a life for yourself. And trust in the Lord. Follow King Benjamin’s advice to call “on the name of the Lord daily, and [stand] steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come” (Mosiah 4:11).

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..::About Claudia by Michelle A,. 2010::..

“If I don’t do something, it is not because I can’t, but because I don’t want to.” Have you felt blessed to know someone who has left a positive mark in your life? In summer 2009, I had the opportunity to meet Claudia Recinos, a young pretty girl.I’ve known her now for over a year and yet every single day she surprises me even more. Claudia has been and still is an example for me of what we are able to do in this life. She makes me feel like I can do it too or at least I should try. Everyone that has the opportunity to meet her can realize the kind of person she is. With one single smile she illuminates everything around her and cheers me up. What else makes Claudia a different person from everyone else? She is a multitask girl. Very impressive I might say. I’ve always thought that Clau does too much in her daily life. Claudia is a bright student. However, working and studying is not all she does. Claudia finds the time to have some fun as well. She likes to party and loves dancing. She even made time to invite me to lunch for my birthday last Friday and is planning her own birthday party this coming week. In addition, she goes to the gym as much as possible. She always talks with her parents and relatives that are in El Salvador and here. Claudia was born in El Salvador almost 20 years ago. Clau, as I call her, came to The U.S.A in April 2009 to start studying English as a Second Language (ESL) at Utah Valley University (UVU). Her desire for becoming someone successful made her fight for her dream of learning English and getting a degree from abroad so that when she grows up more, she will have better opportunities to work, serve, and make a difference. The best part is that she is a devout Latter-day Saint. Clau prays every morning and every night. She reads the scriptures and writes in her journal. “I want my children to know everything that has happened in my life, I don’t want them to miss anything.” Every Sunday she goes to church, and after the meetings she stays to practice with the choir. On Sunday nights she participates in ward prayer. Claudia enjoys going to family home evening and any other church activity. She loves going to the temple as well. Whenever the opportunity comes, she volunteers at the MTC in Provo. “The Gospel has changed my heart and my life.” Believe it or not, Claudia finds the time to listen to her friends when they need to talk or want some advice. When someone asks for a ride, she is willing to serve. Like most of girls, she enjoys dating. Traveling is one of her favorite hobbies. Her most beloved places to go are California, St. George, and Las Vegas. As Ken Duvall said in a devotional given at LDSBC on June 15, 2010, “Organization guides you to developing righteous habits.” I’ve always admired Clau for having her room very organized and clean. She suggests that everyone should have a “to do list, to buy list, and a grocery list.” In that way she establishes her priorities. “First things first,” she repeats to herself. At my last job, there was a sign right in front of the employees’ door that says, “Being busy doesn’t mean you’re being productive,” and Claudia is the kind of person who likes to feel productive. She says, “I like to feel efficient with everything I do.” She likes following the apostles’ example of education and management of time. “We deserve time for resting too!” are some of Clau’s words. When I asked Claudia what helps her to fulfill her expectations and goals, she told me that her parents trust her so much that she wants them to feel proud of her, “They are truly my best friends ever.” For Clau, to be recognized by the world doesn’t really matter. As long as she gets where she wants to get and accomplishes what she wants to accomplish, she is satisfied and feels complete; “That’s enough for me.” What motivates her to do all the things she does? “Life is full of opportunities. Doors are open for everyone, but it is our choice to do it.” All of us face trials and bad experiences and she is not the exception. She has challenges, adversities and sad moments too. No one is perfect. She has made mistakes and she still does, but they help her to progress and become a better person. “We gotta learn from them.” Claudia actually has a motto in her life that she tells to herself all the time, “Everything is gonna be OK; we ought to have faith.” - Michelle A.

.::Fly and Touch the Sky::.

There comes a time when you must stand alone. You must feel confident enough within yourself to follow your own dreams. You must be willing to make sacrifices. You must be capable of changing and rearranging your priorities so that your final goal can be achieved. Sometimes, familiarity and comfort need to be challenged. There are times when you must take a few extra chances and create your own realities. Be strong enough to at least try to make your life better. Be confident enough that you won't settle for a compromise just to get by. Appreciate yourself by allowing yourself the opportunities to grow, develop, and find your true sense of purpose in this life. Don't stand in someone else's shadow when it's your sunlight that should lead the way.

.::Claudia's Short Biography By Casana Macapaar::.. July 2009

Claudia Recinos is 19 years old and the daughter of Jose Ricardo Recinos and Maria Delia Recinos. She was born in June 17, 1990, in San Salvador, El Salvador. She has two sisters and one brother. She is genuine, simple, loving, understanding, fun to be with, approachable, friendly, sweet, fashionable, loves to wear accessories, very open to diversity and very open to people in general, she likes to listen different opinions and is very open to different thoughts. She loves sports and has participated in many national competitions of basket ball, tennis, track, badminton and volleyball. She lives in Salt Lake City for now and she loves it and feels very passionate about living there. She loves to play piano and viola. She played for the Youth Symphony Orchestra of El Salvador in 2008 and has participated and several events by either playing the piano or the viola. She loves listening to music, especially classical songs when she wants to feel high and inspired. She loves pretty much all kinds of music and loves listening to the guitar in her favorite songs. Her favorite band is The Beatles, and she also likes Michael Jackson. She also loves to dance and attend parties. She likes to hang out with her friends. She enjoys playing music, making music, admire the little things around her, helping her friends, listening to her friends. She is a very unique girl that never feels bored, she always finds something to do, she says: "I never get bored, if I look bored is probably because I’m tired but I always find something to do or to think about.” She enjoys reading drama and love stories. She graduated from high school when she was 16 (2006) and went straight to college. She studied economics for two years (2007-2008) in her country at UCA and decided to move to the USA to study English in April 2009. She attended LDS Business College for a professional sales certificate and a business management degree (Fall Semester 2009) Shortly after graduating she becomes part of the workforce in the business/accounting field to get a good work experience and then she is going to Brigham Young University to keep studying Business with emphasis in either strategy, finance or marketing with minors in Music/Photography and Portuguese. She would like to work for her country and help them by putting up non-profit organizations in the future. She wants to help the poor or less fortunate children in her country. She says that El Salvador lacks of well-prepared people. That’s why she set her mind to be a productive and good citizen in her country wherever she can be. She plans on going to grad school too. She’s single and looking for a boy right now. She wants to marry an awesome and loving guy and get married in Salt Lake Temple and be blessed with wonderful kids. Nevertheless, serving a full time mission (18 months) for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Days Saints has always been her great desire and she would not like to miss out on that experience, she is just waiting for the right time to either get married or serve a mission. She doesn’t like to start something and never finish it so she plans on doing things in order and keep her plans where they are right now and when she is done with that and has no plans for marriage by that time, she will definitely go on a mission. Claudia loves adventures (backpacking, traveling, exploring, roadtrips, big cities) and living life up to the max and she would do anything she can to have fun, be happy and make others happy.

..::Claudia's Interview by Kenard Beckford::.. Sept. 2009

Claudia Recinos is from one of the smallest countries in Central America, El Salvador. She is from a family of six, which includes two sisters and one brother. She and her family converted to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day-Saints about seven years ago (2002). Claudia seems like a very spiritual person, with a great desire to live the gospel. Yesterday as she shared her account with me of the most spiritual experience she has had in her life, I felt the Spirit strongly. This is from her account of the most spiritual experience she has had. She said “ever since I was baptized I had a strong desire to get sealed to my family, but it did not happen right away, because my dad had struggles that he had to overcome.” She then said when the time came for them to get sealed in the temple, "it was a great spiritual experience." She remembered the great spirit that she felt in the temple that day; she said “my testimony grew because I went to the temple to get sealed to my family.” Claudia likes music and sports for her hobbies. In elementary and secondary school she earned 13 medals in tennis and track. She earned three of the medals from, playing tennis and the other 10 from running track, where she participated in two kilometer run. For music, she plays the viola and the piano. Currently, she is in Salt Lake City, Utah to attend LDS Business College, majoring in Business Management and Professional Sales. She said “I chose LDS Business College because I want to be in an environment surrounded by LDS people, improve my second language (English), and be better prepared for life.” Her most frightening experience happened recently, while she was driving on the freeway from Santa Cruz to San Jose in California, the car lost its brakes. She said: "I was so tense.” She thought she was going to die or have a car accident but finally she could make it home safely. Driving had never been so scary for her.

Random Thoughts

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Dating versus Hanging Out by Dallin H. Oaks

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